To The Girl Who Finds Her Worth In Her Relationships

Have you ever had feelings of dissatisfaction and unworthiness because people aren’t texting, calling, or talking to you? Do you ever find yourself starving for attention from the people you care about? If they aren’t seeking you out then you must not be important enough or worth their time, right? If you’re in a relationship, has your boyfriend been making plans without you? Does that leave you feeling hurt and unwanted? What about when you see your friends on social media hanging out while you’re sitting at home? If you ever find yourself feeling empty and unwanted because you feel like you are not worth people’s time or attention, then you’re probably putting your self-worth in your relationships.

I feel confident in talking about this because I’m floating in the same boat with you. Ever since I can remember I have found my worth and self-esteem in the friendships and relationships I’ve had. If someone wasn’t texting to check in on me or asking if I wanted to make plans, I felt alone and unimportant. If someone had a problem with me or didn’t like me, I would wear myself out trying to please or win their approval. And it’s exhausting.

For a long time, I thought this was normal. I didn’t even realize that it was hurting me or my relationships. But I will stand up and fight the lie that I must have constant attention or affirmation from others to be worthy or important, and I hope you will fight it too.

Our satisfaction does not come from other people. We must stop placing unrealistic and unhealthy expectations on the people in our lives. They have stuff they are dealing with, too. We have to stop testing their loyalty by how often they text, call, or snap us on social media.

Where Does Our Worth Come From?

Because we are all broken, imperfect humans we have a longing to find the missing piece to our brokenness. Too often, we chase fulfillment and happiness in all the wrong places, especially in others. And we end up only hurting ourselves and our relationships in the long run. True satisfaction and joy come from Jesus alone, so if you are searching for it anywhere else you might find yourself in a huge mess. I know what it’s like to be rejected and I know what it’s like to be accepted. But we must not allow our worth and self-esteem come from the acceptance and attention of others. It must come from God, because He is the only one who will not let us down. Humans make mistakes. Haven’t you ever let someone down? Remember that no one has it all together all the time; so, if we expect to get from others what we can only receive from God, we will end up very heartbroken and disappointed.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” – Jeremiah 31:3

Where do these negative thoughts come from?

If we get down to it, these types of insecurities usually come from how you talk to yourself. Truth it, you would never talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, so nows the time to realize that for yourself and kick negative self-talk out the door.

Maybe these thoughts come from some unhealthy habits you’ve learned from other people or created yourself. Would you believe it if I told you that negative self-talk is a habit you can learn how to stop doing?

It’s true. Those things you believe about yourself aren’t actually true.. it’s just something you tend to do.. just like biting your nails (like me). Getting rid of this type of thinking can be done practically. Some days it will be more challenging than others, but you have the power to take captive of your thoughts and change the way you think. Talk to someone you trust; tell them you are struggling with negative self-talk. Ask them to hold you accountable. Confess when you are feeling negative so they can come along side you in prayer and truth. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

“…take captive every thoughtto make it obedient to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Shift your thinking from SELF to OTHERS

Without even knowing it, we tend to make things about us that aren’t about us. We might get offended easily, feel left out, and defensive because we begin to think about ourselves way too much. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to upset you- but I’ve learned for myself that everything is not about me. Maybe our friends haven’t texted us back because they’ve had a bad day and need time to process.. Maybe they are trying to take time away from a screen so they can be more present in their surroundings.. whatever the circumstances- we must have grace, have understanding, forgive, and we can create a place where others feel safe. 

Shift your thinking from yourself and focus on putting others and their needs above your own. I’ve found so much joy in forgetting myself and serving others. 🙂

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. -Philippians 2:3-4

Some of my friends from my discipleship training school last year. I learned a lot about living in healthy relationship with people through these guys- and I pray your friendships/relationships bloom as you navigate finding where your true worth comes from.

I pray this creates a new perspective in you that brings freedom, unity and maturity. Keep growing and keep living free, friends.

-Hannah Courtney

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